gunman

Why doesn't K ever give me advice? I would love it if she did.

She knows I'm unhappy, she knows why, but she never says anything, never even suggests. It's as if she has too much respect for me to tell me what to do. I could do with a little less respect and a little more guidance/push/support.

I don't know what to make of her. The things she does and has done are interesting, but I don't feel stimulated around her. I don't know what she makes of me. I'm sure it must be not too nice to be around someone so depressed all the time. Don't know. She's never said anything. A few times I felt she was a little pissed with me cos I was not cooking / sharing with the housework etc and kept myself shut in my room, so then I tried to cook etc when I felt better.

I am so scared. I am trying to make decisions, but I am scared. No I will not be. I will not be.

K forwarded me a mail from a publisher asking for erotic stories, and today she gave me a collection of Indian erotica - I guess her indirect advice is that I should write an erotic story.

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Tonight on our after dinner walk a car swerved in front of us and three young men got out, unzipping their pants - one was carrying a shiny gun - not sure if it was real. We quickly got out of there.

Seems like 26/11, Sharad Pawar angst energy.

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Today R made me do O'Keefe's poppies, rendered in a Paul Klee style - still have more than half to paint. And she gave me a sprig of flowers to draw for homework.

Next week four classes all together rather than being spread out over the month as she is going to be busy till mid-Jan, so we meet on tue, wed, thurs, sat. Good only I guess, leaves me free after next week.

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I'm kind of glad working with AB didn't work out. It was eating into too much of my mind space. I feel calmer now. I think I should stop reading anything dark for a while too - after I finish 'The Castle'. No Camus, no more Kafka.

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Today actually was a bright sort of day - maybe because of the art class - kind of half-decided to finish the subtitling and sound work on the film this week and send it off along with the bills, art class will also be done, then maybe I should go to Bombay for a few weeks or maybe MP.

I feel shy to ask K if I can stay at her place in Bombay, though she did offer once, long ago, but never since then has repeated the offer... today I asked her whether I could use her machine to subtitle, and she said 'yes', took a lot for me to even ask her that... don't know why I am so shy to ask for help.

I wish she would act more like an older sister.