to talk

It is so unbelievably hard to find someone to talk to!

I have crawled the internet for over a year. Last night I even tried that stupid cleverbot which was a joke!

It is unbelievable, it is impossible, that there is no one in the world that feels the way I do. I am human, this is a human condition - where is the person who feels like me?

I thought I had found him. A friend, depressed for a long time, he kept telling me to meet him in Gokarna. We were able to discuss suicide, weird mood swings etc. and delighted in this, as it is beyond the reach of others. I wasn't sure if I wanted to meet him in Gokarna cos I felt he was in a darker place than I, this was a few days ago. A few days ago, I felt I was almost reborn, that I just needed one push out of the womb. Now again it is so dark, but still some glimmers of the light.

Anyway, I was not so keen to meet him cos it seemed after so long that I seemed near being able to be pushed out, and didn't want to be pulled down again.

But I thought that maybe we could help each other out day to day - hold each other's hand to walk through... but even that doesn't seem to have happened. Our patterns are different, I am fine at night, though three-fourths of the time is wasted on the internet, but it is the mornings when I am truly unable to get a grip - and have major paranoia - through the day I control it and it gets better.

For him it's the other way - he is fine in the morning and the day, but it's at night that he just can't cope.

For about a day we sent each other messages on fb etc... and it was nice, to be able to support each other, or just to know that there is someone else who says, I haven't exactly felt this, but I have something similar, hang in there.

But last night when I was trying to chat to him, he suddenly said he had to go and good night, and I felt that I wasn't able to get him at all, he says he feels distant from himself - and this I couldn't quite understand... My problems arise from more concrete (hopefully more workable) problems like loneliness, not knowing what to do with my life, perfectionism, low self esteem, extremely low levels of concentration and low threshold for boredom.

Feeling distant from yourself? He tried to explain but it is beyond me...

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Of course the obvious thing is to go to a counsellor, which I did, started a few years ago, mainly because I don't want to burden anyone else, and also because I feel that a professional has tools to deal with situations, I respect their education, training, and experience.

She got me out of a bad spot once, when I just couldn't work on my diploma, and it was good, and it went well, and I completed the film.

Then again she kind of gave me a jump start a year later.

But now, it doesn't seem to work. There seem to be certain issues that she just disregards, like any time I bring up ex-boyfriends. I understand she wants me to focus on myself, and not on relationships, but how do you deal with something just by pushing it under the carpet?

She is nice and sweet (sometimes harsh and mean), but she just takes me at face value, believes what I tell her, she doesn't probe or try to get to the root of anything. Or even give any encouragement or support.

I know exactly what she will say, so stopped going to her. Went only once ten days ago, after a gap of six months.

I know she is trying to get me to rely on myself, but a little support and encouragement would be nice and would go a long way.

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So yes, of course I talk to myself... which is not the best thing cos I am speaking from the same pit I am in.

Once I naturally started writing and answering myself by writing, like as if I were two people. Funnily I read a book recently where the author does the same. I guess when one is pushed to desperation, such coping systems spring up automatically.

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When I was younger, I never spoke to anyone, I mean about something that was bothering me. I was very reserved, very private. And I would come across texts etc. saying sorrows shared are sorrows halved etc etc., encouraging one to let the world help.

Now I am here, to let the world help. Sometimes I cry out in desperation. But the world is silent, or humours me for a while and then leaves me to my own devices.

The world wants to be around happy people, it has no patience with unhappiness, or confusion.