mmm :)

how amazing to feel post-coital bliss warmth the whole day without having had sex :)

progress?

I have started taking some flower remedy medication - it seems to be working. Feeling much better, though there still are sudden attacks of despair, but I am controlling these.

The counsellor said that I am not able to 'compartmentalize' my personal and professinal lives efficiently, which is why the trouble happens. While I am working, I am continuing to think of my emotional state so am not able to fully be there for work or generate enthusiasm.

I tried this the last two times I went to meet my editor, and it definitely worked, being more focussed and interested in the task at hand and suppressing low thoughts whenever they occured.

It seems like the more you learn about yourself in therapy, the more tough it seems to get out of your depression. I thought I was doing well, by at least taking up job assignments, and trying to complete the ngo film I started, but this doesn't seem to be enough.

I feel I am emotionally in the same state, or perhaps even in more despair, as I was at this same time last year. I remember being in Kerala, at the film festival, and missing screenings, sending desperate obsessive messages. This has now translated into a more grey state of despair.

I am still maintaining the track of completing the film, booking tickets to meet family in Delhi for Christmas and friends in Wayanad for New Year...

The film is finally over today, the DVDs have almmost been written, and it's time for me to send the courier and wind up, and have those few days for myself before leaving for Delhi. The days in which I had planned to travel and think about my future, formulate my principles to live by, and come up with some sort of plan. The time has come and it frightens me like hell, I have been putting too much premium on these 3-4 days and I'm scared that I will come out of it none the wiser. I guess I need to put the pressure off myself and make it a happy time. Will spend this evening planning these next few days to avoid getting bogged down and get a good result, even if not the ultimate result.

title

I saw a video on the net that said that to get out of the self-pity party one must journal every day what one is grateful for. I did it, though I have done this before.

Made an appointment with the counsellor for tomorrow. Right after I had made it I was wondering why I had bothered, she just agrees with everything I say anyway.

Everyone I have called seems to be dealing with problems of their own.

I realized I am just once again expecting someone else to take me out of this, and not taking 'responsibility' etc etc.

But it seems pointless to help one's self when there is nobody to share with.

I bought a ticket yesterday to a destination where a few friends want to meet up for New Year's. I bought the ticket, highly overpriced, and felt at least I was making an effort to make some change, that these people seemed to want me there so rather than feeling no one wants me I should go. But I can't drum up the enthusiasm. I am faking it in our email exchanges.

I don't know if I will end up going.

It's difficult to find enthusiasm to do anything - have stopped eating again, though I ordered something nice this afternoon so I would. The only thing I still enjoy is cappuccino.

I depended on an ex-boyfriend again. I am tired of beating myself over depending on someone and making this big thing of doing it on my own, of learning to love myself etc etc.

I need someone to help me on this journey, someone who can give me just a little bit of encouragement.

Ch

Yesterday k's friend Ch had come over.

In the evening we went down to a nearby restaurant and had idli-dosa and coffee. She is so funny. She was telling stories in such a comic, funny way, we all were laughing.

I haven't had such a good time in a while.

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I am so tired of trying to be brave, trying to be sensible, doing the right thing.

Not being emotionally dependent on ex-lovers - though I have slipped there twice.

Trying to work out how to create meaning in my life.

Trying hard to be happy.

This morning I just felt I had had enough.

Well, back to it now.

how to be happy :)

talk about cats on the phone for hours :)

GO AWAY

A few days ago I met up with a psychologist friend of mine. After visiting four therapists himself for a recent personal crisis, he has denounced psychology and has decided to take up organic farming instead.
He says we all know what we have to do, we are just too lazy to do it.
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I don’t know why thoughts of him keep surfacing up in my head, in my heart. How could he be so thoughtless, so insensitive etc etc etc. Prayers wishing him ill, wishing he fails in everything he ever does. What I will say to him when he next contacts me.
It’s crazy.
Suddenly for no reason at all, out of the blue, my mind will start chanting his name like a mantra.
Yes, I see it was my fault, but I also can see clearly why I acted so unreasonable.
I don’t want to be back with him, I don’t think he has any character.
I can still feel bad for him, I see his vulnerability, though he seldom admits it.
Maybe this is just a nice excuse I am building for myself, a person to dump all blame on.

suicide / art class revelations

Last night a friend of mine sent me a worrisome message with suicidal intent. We have intellectually discussed suicide - how both of us don't consider it a sin, how we would do it if we had the balls, whether it is sociological or personal, we discussed the Goa couple, he send me an essay on suicide represented in art through the decades.

Killing myself is fine, but feeling that maybe I had contributed in some way towards someone else taking his own life made me panic. Suddenly all my intellectual arguments of it being the person's decision, a decision that should be respected even if it may seem stupid or misinformed to us blah blah came crashing down. I messaged him last night and tried calling him this morning several times, but no response. I got really scared and had to force myself to forget about it for the duration of my art class. I felt that he probably was feeling really low and just didn't want to talk.

After the art class I tried messaging and calling again, finally my messages turned really desperate and he finally called back - he said he had been in the hospital the whole day as his grandfather was undergoing a surgery and had left his phone at home.

I don't know how to help him, and I didn't want to force him to talk, so I just told him he could talk to me or if he would rather email me whenever he felt like it.

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Today after art class I had a nice talk with R. It is the end of 8 sessions now, and we will not be meeting till mid-Jan as she is travelling.

She asked me for feedback as she said I had been very different from her other students, and I told her how frustrated I felt at not being able to draw those damn flowers, and how I felt a low level of accomplishment as she ended up drawing for me, colouring for me, painting for me.

I reminded her that I had told her initially that I may not be suited for her workshops as I really couldn't draw, and had never even had a basic school-level art class, that I had shown her some stuff I had drawn then, and she had said it was fine... but that I seemed to be inept for her class.

Of course I also said that I didn't consider it a waste of time, as I had learnt many techniques that I could now experiment with, with simpler subjects perhaps, and enjoy at my own slower pace. I also told her that I know I am extremely impatient, and that drawing the damned flowers was an exercise in concentration and focus for me, and that I don't regret it.

But I told her that I don't feel good showing people the works I did with her because when they appreciate it, I feel that it is not my work that they are appreciating, that it is hers.

She looked together with me at the works and my drawings again. She said that considering I had never drawn before, I was quite good, that I obviously needed practice and that drawing takes time and lots and lots of practice to achieve. She said I underestimate myself.

We looked at each work closely, and I pointed out the large bits she had done, she tried to disagree and say that I had done most of it, but I pointed out the most difficult bits which she had done and she was forced to agree somewhat. Though I did concede that watching her had taught me what to do, so it was not a waste, just that I wouldn't feel happy showing these works as my own, but that I would use the techniques to make simpler ones that I considered my own.

She tried to be really helpful and pointed out what I could practice, based on what interests me.

Then I asked her what she found different about me from her other students - she said I had extremely low energy. That I was not enthusiastic or expressive.

Well, yes, that is true, I am trying to do these activities in the middle of feeling really depressed, hoping they will help me out, doing these things despite the fact that I don't want to, pushing myself, when I would rather not. In fact, I am rather proud of myself for having completed all 8 sessions successfully without copping out.

So, yes, I am sorry if I have low energy!

In fact, though I did not tell her this, she keeps going on and on about how her class is not a 'hobby class' and it's all about self-expression, but I found her class quite restrictive - I was given a palette and had to work within that, she hated it when I used bright colours though I was longing too - in fact she was quite sarcastic when I sketched her in pink, or used lime green.

My little water colours in my notebook are definitely not as accomplished but way more self-expressive.

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I was thinking to myself during today's art class, how I have always in theory supported learning at one's own pace, but how I personally experienced how demotivating it can be trying to do this thing called 'drawing' that I find extremely hard.

When I was in school, I was really good at studies, it was effortless for me, a breeze, and the other 'duller' kids were constantly compared to me and others like me, our essays were read out in class... And though I didn't gloat, there was a quiet sense of achievement and confidence.

I remember once when along with a few other of my friends I had not done my homework, they were so worried about what the teacher would say when she asked for the assignments and they had to confess they hadn't done it. I couldn't understand what they were so worried about, we hadn't done it, so big deal, we would just say so, I mean I did feel it would be unpleasant, but I wasn't so terrified... and my friend said to me - it's easy for you, you always do well so she won't be so harsh on you.

This last three days - constantly being told no, no not like that, okay we should hurry now or we won't finish in time, and her ecstatic ravings about the work of her other students... it's been a great experience to understand how those other students felt - constantly feeling you're not good enough, feeling demotivated.

Thankfully I am old enough to be able to tell myself to keep trying my best, to say to myself that I am doing this for myself, to better my skills, and though she says her other student is a frieda kahlo in the making, that doesn't concern me...

But what of those kids, being told day after day, year after year - that they weren't good enough, why couldn't they do it like X or Y... I am sure they tried hard, tried their best... I am lucky I felt accomplished and confident when I was growing up at least, I hope they feel that way now.

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R's saying that I have low energy, really makes me wonder whether I should go to meet my family for Christmas and travel further to meet my friends for New Year's... I can't fake enthusiasm, not for too long at least.